Alright so I've been avoiding this one for a while now. I've been struggling with what to say but I feel somewhat accountable to those who read this, as my friends and supporters.
Last time I updated I was tapering for the Welland half and was expecting things to go smoothly and get revenge on the distance after last year in STX. It didn't exactly go as planned. Time to think back two weeks and see if I can pull out any lessons from the race.
It was going to be a fun weekend in Welland with Amanda (aka Leamington road trip buddy) doing the Saturday tri and then me doing the half the next day. Amanda had another awesome race and I want to share her coach's race report (Gabbi Whitlock of Balance Point Training)...I spectated and cheered with her while her athletes were racing and I hope she doesn't mind me sharing her recap:
It was a fun Saturday morning for me as I coach. It was a real pleasure to watch these ladies burn up the course. Welland is a timetrial swim start therefore you never know what place you are in. I heard someone call it a "truth" race as you are truly racing against yourself and the clock. Athletes were lined up in order of their bib numbers. Bib numbers were assigned based on when you signed up. Both Amanda and Ileana signed later so they had numbers near the back of the back - 230 and 242. Athletes started 5 sec apart. It was a rectangular swim course in the canal. Many women were out of the water before Amanda and Ileana even started the race.
Both ladies had strong swims. I can tell when my athletes are swimming towards the finish as I can recognize your swimming strokes. With this swim, the swimmers swam with the buoys to their right. I saw Amanda come around the top corner and heading towards the swim finish. I was standing at the top of a short hill that the athletes ran up after getting out of the water. It was weird because there was a short spot where I lost the view just before they got out of the water. There was a a volunteer helping people out of the water and people lined up on the side of entry. Some how between seeing Amanda swimming towards the swim finish and her getting out of the water, I lost track of her. I was thinking she should be out any moment. At the same time I saw Karen from the YMCA swim and MSZ getting out of the water and started to cheer for her. Then I was like ..where did Amanda go? There was a 450m run from the water to transition area. Amanda, Ileana and I had discussed taking off their wetsuits near the canal as the water would be all out of the suit by the time she got to transition and it would be harder to get off and also it would be hot to run in a wetsuit for 450m. So when I was wondering why Amanda wasn't out of the water yet, I looked over and there she was in the midst of getting her wetsuit off. I cheered hoping she would here me as I felt horrible to have missed her. (It turns out she must have been very close to Karen hidden by her). I am trying at races to learn how to take race photos in action. I got a funny one of Amanda with her leg in the air yanking off her wetsuit (photos to be shown later as they are not on this computer). I learned from my lesson and kept my eye on Ileana and got to see her finish her swim.
I was not able to see the transitions since it was 450m away from water. But I hear both had great transitions. During the warmup, we practiced both mount and dismount on the race day marked spots. This was especially important as the space was quiet small and you had to run around a tight corner up a curb for the bike out and bike in. This is where I waited for them to come back from the bike. I was watching the numbers of the people coming back. I had pre calculated when I thought Amanda and Ileana would be back based on when they went out. There was a turn about 15m before the mount/dismount line so you couldn't see the riders coming until just before the finish. Watching the numbers I was not seeing people anywhere near 200s and all of a sudden about three minutes before I was expecting her, I see the pink Multisport Zone suit coming towards me. Remember that people went out based on their Bib # assignment. Amanda came in with people mostly under 120. This means throughout the swim and bike she passed about 100 people! When I saw her coming, my stomach started making these nervous/excited butterflies. I was really happy for her. She had a fast run transition and off to the run. I stayed in position by the mount dismount and very close behind Amanda came another pink multisport suit Ileana. Both ladies had kicked butt on the bike course. Ileana came in also about three minutes ahead of my bike prediction and passing a very high number of people. It was such a pleasure to see how strong they both are on the bike. The butterflies continued.
I headed over to the finish line. The butterflies in my stomach wouldn't go away. I was jumping around unable to sit still thinking about how the ladies were putting themselves into situations of pain and getting to know this special friend. Making friends with the pain during the run makes for a great race. I knew they would be hurting but I was wishing them strength to push past it. When I saw Amanda approaching the finish, she had a great look of working hard and really pushing it on her face. I looked at Ryan and said she is in pain but a good pain! Ileana also looked really strong coming into the finish. She always has these great photo finishes and smiles. The race day was over for Balance Point and I was very super excited for both Amanda and Ileana!
It was a great day overall as both ladies stuck to their race goals and had impressive races. The test against themselves was won!
If you're still reading I'll tell you about my experience now...and what I've been avoiding talking about. I got a couple good activation workouts in on the Saturday and felt really tuned in for my latest go at long course. But looking back I was not in the right head-space for the race. I'm usually not too nervous before big races...especially if I'm confident in my training. But I got a terrible sleep the night before thinking about the swim. I couldn't eat anything on race morning and was gagging trying to force down half a Clif Bar and some coffee. I wouldn't admit it at the time but I was a nervous wreck over one simple thing...the time beside my name at the end of the day.
For those who are not familiar with Welland it's an extremely fast course. Canal swim, flat bike, flat and shaded run. You are supposed to go fast on a course like that. I was ranked #2 in the pro race behind last year's race winner Wolfgang Guembel. And I had a coveted "Recharge with Milk" pro interview if there already wasn't enough hype. Despite all the confidence I had gained from a solid block of training the only thought going through my mind was "what if." What if I have a crappy swim, what if I cut my foot on the rocks at the swim exit, what if I didn't ride 2:20, what if I fall apart again at 10k into the run.
Just as I got to the race site, strolling in quietly so I wouldn't be seen, my one thought was immediately replaced by another..."I am so F***ING stupid." I left my wetsuit and my nutrition in the hotel. With all the equipment required to do a triathlon and all the stuff you have to remember for a pre-race routine, the only thing I've ever been dumb enough to forget before have been pins for my race belt.
I think at that point I just shut down mentally. It didn't cross my mind that I could race without them, or that I could just give it hell and see what happens despite the circumstances. I was too concerned what my swim split would be in the pro wave. I was so clouded by the thought of what other people would think of me that I sabotaged my own race.
So I feebly attempted to haul ass back to the hotel 25km away in Niagara Falls. I have to say Amanda was the best support crew I could ever have, but I was too stubborn to listen to her that everything would be ok. At the time I simply couldn't fathom getting a 4 hour race underway in the mindset I was in.
We got back to the race site 30mins before the start and I didn't want to get out of the car. I tried running a little and my brain told my body that I felt too sick and too sore to start. So I shamefully drove back to the hotel and went back to bed. My biggest fear in it all was telling James that I f*cked it up so bad. But he told me exactly what I needed to hear, and it's taken this long for it to sink in enough to explain all this.
I don't do triathlons to meet my or others' expectations, and I don't do them because I'm good at it. Triathlons are fun. You get to do three sports in a row...any one of which most "normal" people consider crazy. You get to push yourself to the limits of human will, but you also get to splash around in a lake and call it training. Having such a royal f*** up of a "race" has become a blessing in disguise because it has allowed me to get back to the basics: back to why I got into such a cool sport.
I've had more than a few people (well-respected coaches, high end athletes, sports physicians) tell me I should just be a roadie. "Your back can't handle triathlon training...you're a better cyclist than you are a triathlete...you have better power numbers than a Cat 1/2 sprinter...". Beyond the true sense of community and FUN at a triathlon event - especially compared to the bickering and frustration of cycling - I don't do anything because I'm good at it. I do triathlon because I want to push myself and I find enjoyment in self-improvement. So it's back to training and onto the next race. No more mind games.
I was going to do an update on goings-on lately with training, some low key races and my plans for the rest of the season, but I'm pretty confident no one is reading this far down the page. So I'll save that for another time...
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